Potter Puppet Ponies
by WeirdnessTimesTwo
Summary: Surprise! Harry's a brony! After making this amazing discovery, a spell gone awry opens a mysterious portal to Ponyville. While searching for a way back to Hogwarts, the Potter Puppet Pals are eager to meet their favorite ponies. But will the Potter Puppet Pals make a good impression on the mane six? Read on to find out. We own nothing.


PINKIE: It's a crossover! Are you excited? I've never been this excited! Well except that one time that Twilight first came to Ponyville and I was like *HUGE GASP* but really who can top that? And for some reason, I feel inclined to say that the authors of this story do not own Pitter Puppet Pals, Harry Potter, or the best show ever, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!

Potter Puppet Ponies

HARRY: I CAN'T DEFUSE THE BOMB!

HERMIONE: You have to stop sleepwalking, Harry.

HARRY: I'm not sleep-walking! This time there's actually a bomb!

HERMIONE: Bombicus Defusicus!

RON: I'm starting to think these aren't real spells, and the writers of this story are just adding –icus to every word in order to make it sound magical, not nearly as magical as my Abra Kadabra spell.

*bombs transforms into a portal at "Abra Kadabra" that Charlie the Unicorn and the two annoying unicorns fall through*

RON: DAMN IT! Every time I say that, something bad happens.

CHARLIE: *motioning to the pink and blue unicorns* Oh, then you'd fit in perfectly with these two parasites.

SNAPE: FINALLY! I've awaited your return, unicorn that is so much like myself.

GINNY: *coming on screen* AHHH! IT'S THE BLUE PONY! SOMEBODY DRUGGED ME! *runs away*

BLUE: You pleased me with your threesome, redhead. *evil laugh*

CHARLIE: *to Blue* What the hell?

BLUE: *innocently* Nothing, Charlie.

PINK: Yeah, it's none of your business, Charlie. Besides, Charlie, we'd probably fit in with THIS one *motions to Harry* the best out of all.

HARRY: Damn right I'm the best character here!

PINK: That's not what we're talking about.

BLUE: Yeah, you're the only one who likes My Little Pony.

HARRY: No I don't.

PINK: But we saw you at BronyCon.

BLUE: Yeah, you were dressed as Fluttershy.

HARRY: No I wasn't.

BLUE: Yes, you were.

PINK: Yeah, and you had a stuffed bunny as Fluttershy's pet Angel.

HARRY: No I didn't.

PINK: Yeah, and we were dressed as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

HARRY: No you weren't. You were – Wait, I'm the one on trial. NO I WAS NOT AT BRONYCON, AND I DID NOT SEE YOU DRESSED HORRIBLY AS ORIGINAL PONIES! *claps hand over mouth* Oops.

HAGRID: Oh, look, the big man asshole director Harry's a brony.

RON: I'm gay, and even I don't like that show.

HERMIONE: Is that where you've been going to every time you said you had to feed Seamus?

HARRY: No, I actually do have to feed Seamus. He's locked away in a prison dungeon under the school until he says "They're after me lucky charms."

RON: YOU LIKE MY LITTLE PONY?

HERMIONE: Liking 'My Little Pony' doesn't make you homosexual, it makes you heteroflexible. There's a difference.

HARRY: I'm not heteroflexible! There's nothing wrong with a teenage boy watching an animated show about ponies.

NEVILLE: Especially if you're a clopper.

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Stupid cloppers. Taking a show about innocent ponies and turning it into something to masturbate to. You disgust me.

HAGRID: Don't knock it until you try it.

HARRY: Of course you would…

BLUE: Oh, we saw him at BronyCon too!

PINK: Yeah, he asked what Spike and a pony would make if they mated.

BLUE: He asked it at the dragon lovers panel.

HAGRID: Well, I thought it would look like a deformed Pegasus with scales.

NEVILLE: It would probably look like one of those deformed donkey-dragon babies on Shrek.

HARRY: I am NEVER going to get that image OUT OF MY HEAD.

HAGRID: Well, there's barely any guy ponies, except Big Mac, and o'course, he's AppleJack's brother… If the ponies wanna breed, they don't have too many options.

HARRY: Let's just assume that lesbian ponies can have fillies, but almost only fillies, and move on. Stupid cloppers.

HERMIONE: I agree that clopping is awful. But the show itself isn't really that bad. I mean, the characters are fun, I especially love Derpy, the story line isn't bad, and the lessons are good… OH MY GOD! I'M A PEGASISTER!

*Dumbledore pops up*

DUMBLEDORE: Did somebody say ponies?

RON: Harry's a Brony.

HARRY: So is Hagrid.

HAGRID: No I'm not. I'm a clopper.

HARRY: Clopper is a subdivision of Brony.

NEVILLE: YAY! I'm a Brony!

HARRY: No you're not.

NEVILLE: But you just said Cloppers were Bronies.

HARRY: Yeah, but Bronies are people. We've already established that you're not a person in our last script.

SNAPE: I like Pinkie Pie. She's so much like I used to be…

DUMBLEDORE: I have a hard time believing that you were ever so light-hearted, fun, and bubbly. Also, you didn't grow up on a rock farm.

SNAPE: How do you know? You can't prove anything.

DUMBLEDORE: Lily didn't live near a rock farm.

HERMIONE: How is it possible to farm rocks? Do you insert a pebble, then grow it with magic?

SNAPE: *holds koala out of nowhere* Your argument is invalid.

HARRY: Stop trying to insert logic into Ponyville.

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Ponyville is very not good at logic. Flying horses clear the skies, they change their own seasons, and a plant can turn Pegasi wings upside-down. Oh, and my favorite character, the majestic Princess Celestia, who is so much like me, raises the sun.

MALFOY: You think YOU'RE like Princess Celestia? Which Celestia are you comparing yourself to, the one on crack? *claps hands over mouth*

RON: Has everyone seen this incredible girly show except for me?

HARRY: IT'S A MANLY SHOW!

MALFOY: Yeah, it's manlier than you, Weasley.

HARRY: Are we agreeing on something?

MALFOY: Simply because I love Ponyville more than I despise you, Potter.

SNAPE: Me too! *Brohug with Malfoy, Harry, and Snape*

DUMBLEDORE: Ah! Another cornucopia of love. *joins*

NEVILLE: I never thought I'd live in a world where ponies were considered manlier than vampires.

CEDRIC: Oh. I'm a sad foot. *goes away*

RON: What is up with everyone today?

HERMIONE: If you're feeling left out, just watch the incredibly girly show.

RON: Not even Ginny watches it, though!

HARRY: We haven't exposed Ginny… as a Pegasister yet! Hermione, that honor falls on your shoulders. None of us can get in the girls' dormitory. For some reason, even Ron can't get in, and he's girlier than you.

HERMIONE: There's nothing I'd love to do more than expose Ginny… as a Pegasister.

*IN THE GIRLS DORMITORY*

HERMIONE: Hey Ginny, who's best pony?

GINNY: *reading magazine* Rainbow Dash. *puts down magazine* Oh please don't tell them.

HERMIONE: I don't have to. It's called a hidden microphone.

GINNY: You bitch!

HERMIONE: Let's have an aggressive pillow fight!

HARRY: YAY!

*CUT TO GREAT HALL*

HARRY: GIRLS! Why did you string me along? YOU SAID PILLOW FIGHT!

GINNY: Are your jimmies rustled?

HARRY: YES!

GINNY: Mission accomplished.

DUMBLEDORE: Snape, can you get some wizard juices?

SNAPE: I'll be right back, headmaster.

*Snape leaves*

HAGRID: Show of hands, who's a clopper?

*Neville raises hand*

HAGRID: You don't count, you're not a person. Still, one out of seven ain't bad.

*Snape returns*

SNAPE: Headmaster, I have your wizard jui—AHHHH! *tripped over a rubber duck.* My foot smells like ass. AND I THOUGHT WE LEFT THAT IN THE LAST SCRIPT!

RON: I wanted a souvenir.

SNAPE: Of course you did.

CHARLIE: Guys, something's happening to my body.

NEVILLE: YAY! It's the puberty fairy! She'll be coming for me any day now.

HARRY: Yeah, then you'll look even uglier than you do now.

CHARLIE: No, guys, this is really serious. The vortex is opening again. *to Blue* I thought you sewed it up!

BLUE: That depressed wizard spilled his wizard jizz on you.

SNAPE: It's wizard juice. My wizard jizz is still in my closet with those organs and animals.

HARRY: OH NO! I'm being sucked into the vortex! NO!

MALFOY: A real man wouldn't get sucked into the vortex.

*Harry and Malfoy land in Ponyville, closely followed by the Potter Puppet Gang and Charlie, but not the annoying unicorns*

HARRY: What the hell happe- (excited gasp) We're in Ponyville!

RON: Oh. My. God. This is girly to the derf power.

HERMIONE: Ron, you've got to stop learning math from iCarly.

CHARLIE: *to Snape* You did this. Your wizard juices opened the vortex.

DUMBLEDORE: Better that than that mysterious white liquid that surrounds Snape's dead animal collection.

SNAPE: That's also wizard juice. Anyway, can't we just enjoy this nauseatingly sweet environment?

*Pinkie Pie walks up, excitedly gasps like in the first episode, then runs off*

SNAPE: NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!

HERMIONE: I still don't understand how you can identify with Pinkie Pie more than any of the other ponies.

SNAPE: Which is your favorite?

HERMIONE: Derpy.

SNAPE: I rest my case.

HARRY: You guys are just a bunch of weirdos. Me and Fluttershy are practically twins.

GINNY: Maybe in the episode where she took an assertiveness seminar and became a real asshole. But otherwise, you're nothing alike.

HARRY: I dunno what you're talking about.

HERMIONE: Well, you were the director of an illegal pornographic film, and she cares for all the woodland creatures.

HARRY: What do you think she does with the woodland creatures when it gets late?

NEVILLE: Oh, that would be so hot.

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Damn cloppers.

NEVILLE: You brought it up… But I think Zecora would be hotter for that. She's a total ZILF.

RON: What's a ZILF?

NEVILLE: A Zebra I'd like to fuck. Duh. Do any of you know where I can find one?

HARRY: First off, ew. Second off, why would we know where any of the ZILF's are? Go ask one of the ponies. Just don't ask Fluttershy, because I don't want you to piss off the best pony!

NEVILLE: You know, most people say "Better to be pissed off than pissed on" but I disagree.

*awkward silence*

APPLEJACK: Well, howdy, newcomers. Wanna buy some apples, or apple baked-goods?

NEVILLE: No thank you, but would you happen to know where the ZILFs are?

APPLEJACK: I have no idea what in Equestria a ZILF is, but I bet Twilight does, sugarcube. Maybe she can help.

HERMIONE: Maybe Twilight can help us get back to Hogwarts!

APPLEJACK: Sugarcube, Hogwarts is just over –

HARRY: No time!

MALFOY: I'm staying with AppleJack. She's my favorite!

HARRY: Why is she your favorite?

MALFOY: She reminds me of myself.

HARRY: Is everybody seeing themselves through a mirror that doesn't show reality? Except me, because me and Fluttershy are twins.

APPLEJACK: I think we're thinkin' a different Fluttershy there, sugarcube. The Fluttershy that I know is cute and sweet, and not an asshole at all.

HARRY: THAT'S JUST LIKE ME, STUPID PONY!

APPLEJACK: I've made my point. Well come on then, off to Sweet Apple Acres.

MALFOY: Potter, don't go pissing off every pony, especially not the best pony ever!

*Malfoy leaves with AppleJack*

NEVILLE: We've made it! Twilight's castle!

HERMIONE: Actually, it's a library made out of a tree, but a library is like a castle of knowledge!

HARRY: So, why isn't Twilight your favorite again?

HERMIONE: Why isn't Gilda the Griffin yours?

HARRY: *gasp* Take that back!

RON: How are you insulting each other with character names? I don't get Bronies and Pegasisters.

*Hermione knocks on Twilight's door*

TWILIGHT: Hello? Is somepony there?

*opens door*

TWILIGHT: OH! Footless humans. I didn't know there were footless humans in Ponyville. Actually, I didn't know there WERE footless humans.

RON: Our inferior puppet bodies don't have feet.

HERMIONE: Can we come in? We're kind of lost.

TWILIGHT: Of course. But don't wake my dragon. He's a baby, and he needs his naps.

HAGRID: I guess I'll tame him later.

GINNY: I really hope you meant that in an innocent way.

HAGRID: O' course. Not all cloppers are perverts. Just most of them.

TWILIGHT: What's a clopper?

HARRY: You don't want to know.

NEVILLE: Do you know any ZILFs?

TWILIGHT: ZILFs?

NEVILLE: You know, Zebra I'd like to fuck?

TWILIGHT: Get out. Of my library.

NEVILLE: But I –

TWILIGHT: OUT!

*Twilight uses her horn, and forces them out by magic, then slams the door*

HARRY: DAMN IT, NEVILLE! Stupid cloppers have to ruin everything!

HAGRID: Don't blame all cloppers. Not all of us are perverts. Just most of us are.

NEVILLE: Yeah, and I have to run into the one non-perverted clopper at Hogwarts. I'm gonna wander in the forest now. But forests scare me, so someone has to come along.

HARRY: Not it.

HAGRID: Not it.

DUMBLEDORE: Not it.

GINNY: Not it.

HERMIONE: Not it.

RON: Damn.

NEVILLE: YAY! My best fwiend Ron's coming to the fowest with me to find a ZILF.

RON: Every time I think of a ZILF being naked and fondled by a weird potato-squash thing, I die a little inside.

HERMIONE: Er, zebras are always naked.

NEVILLE: I know!

RON: Oh, the pain.

*Ron and Neville set off into the forest*

RON: I don't like this place. It's dark and scary. And what are those weird blue flowers?

NEVILLE: Zecora said something about them, but I was too aroused to pay attention.

RON: You're helpful. I'm gonna go touch them. *poke*

*Zecora comes out of the darkness*

ZECORA: Use caution, footless human folk  
Those leaves of blue are not a joke.

NEVILLE: My sexy zebwa!

*Neville jumps over the blue plant and tackles Zecora*

RON: Oh what's the worst that can *voice plunges really deep* happen if I touch that plant? (#Flutterguy)

ZECORA: It was those of Ponyville last time  
Why does no one listen to my rhyme?

NEVILLE: *excited* Now we have to go back to your hut and cure the retarded soulless homosexual.

RON: WHERE?

ZECORA: What you have done, I must undo  
I must start making another brew.

NEVILLE: YAY! She's taking me home!

*go back to Zecora's hut*

RON: What happened to my voice?

ZECORA: That plant you ran into was like poison oak  
But its side effects are like a joke

NEVILLE: Did you know that you're a ZILF? Me and my perverted clopper buddies think you're a total ZILF.

RON: NEVILLE has FRIENDS?

ZECORA: Here it is, the brew is done  
Your voice is now once again fun.

RON: *voice raises two and a half octaves back to normal* YAY!

ZECORA: Neville referred to me as a ZILF  
I hope it is not a parody of MILF.

NEVILLE: Well, no, but kind of. Anyway, would you be ok with getting it on with a weird potato-squash thing?

ZECORA: Me and you would be no fun.  
Compared to zebras, your dick is none.

NEVILLE: Are you saying that I have a small penis? Because I don't.

ZECORA: I'm not saying it is small  
Small to zebras, that is all.  
Humans might find it just the right size  
Or a mite too big. It's for them to decide

NEVILLE: Ok, but would you put your mouth on my Neville horn?

ZECORA: I will not honk your Neville horn  
Why don't you go and watch some porn

NEVILLE: Time for my video camera!

ZECORA: You should not be jerking off to me  
You should find pleasure in humans, you see

NEVILLE: But that's boring! If sex is normal, you're not doing it right!

RON: Neville, you're so embarrassing.

ZECORA: Please, you two, get out of my hut  
I don't like squashes staring at my butt.

*CUT TO PONYVILLE*

HARRY: So? Did you find the ZILF, you creepy pervert?

NEVILLE: She rejected me with rhymes…

HARRY: I know what'll cheer you up! Let's go visit Fluttershy! And I swear to God, if you ask her awkward questions, I will eat you.

HERMIONE: Harry, remember that talk we had about controlling your anger…

HARRY: Stop telling me how to live my life! TO FLUTTERSHY'S!

*IN FRONT OF FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE*

HARRY; *knocks on the door* Oh, Fluttershy! It's me, Harry Potter, your biggest fan in the world, because I'm Harry Potter.

FLUTTERSHY: *shyly, behind the opening door*I don't know if I should be flattered or terrified.

HARRY: BOTH! You should be both flattered AND terrified!

FLUTTERSHY: *squeals in fright and closes the door*

HARRY: LET ME LOVE YOU! Damn it, she's not responding to force. Lemme try something else. I HAVE A GIFT OF FOOD FOR YOUR PETS! Neville, give me your arms.

FLUTTERSHY: *opens door again* Ooh, Angel Bunny loves potato squash things!

NEVILLE: YAY I'M HELPING! But before I get eaten alive by your bunnies, do you ever make… movies… with them?

FLUTTERSHY: Ummm, no.

NEVILLE: Do you do naughty things with them at night?

FLUTTERSHY: Umm, No. Animals deserve to be treated with respect and love.

NEVILLE: What KIND of love?

FLUTTERSHY: Out of my cottage, please.

HARRY: Damn it, Neville. You're not even useful as pet food.

NEVILLE: Maybe there's some benevolent force that wants me to get my ZILF.

HERMIONE: I highly doubt it.

RON: Can we go eat now?

GINNY: Where, Ron? Where would you like to eat? They probably only serve horse food around here.

RON: AppleJack! She has apples!

HERMIONE: Did Ron just say something smart?

HARRY: OH MY GOD!

NEVILLE: My ZILF must have whipped up an extra special brew that made him less retarded.

HERMIONE: That makes sense.

HARRY: FINE! We'll get some food, now that my day's been ruined. But Neville doesn't get to eat.

SNAPE: My day has been ruined as well. Pinkie Pie ran off at the sight of us.

HARRY: Have you been following us?

SNAPE: No. I've been looking for Pinkie Pie, but she's nowhere to be found.

PINKIE PIE: *pops up* You should check underground, but I need a teensy weensy bit longer, okay? *goes back underground*

SNAPE: NO! TAKE ME WITH YOU! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THESE CHIDLREN! ME AND YOU ARE THE SAME!

HARRY: Again, is everyone looking through a mirror that distorts reality? Let's just get some food already.

*AT SWEET APPLE ACRES, where Ron immediately leaves the group*

APPLEJACK: Oh hey there again, sugarcube. Did you find who you needed?

NEVILLE: Yes, and she rejected me with rhymes.

APPLEJACK: Come again?

NEVILLE: Well, you see, Zecora –

APPLEJACK: On second thought, I don't wanna know.

HARRY: Then we met MY favorite pony, and he squicked her out! It was just GREAT.

SNAPE: My favorite pony can't stay in the same place for more than two seconds, so we haven't really found her.

DUMBLEDORE: My favorite pony lives in Canterlot.

HARRY: Everyone shut up! None of you matter now that my heart and soul is crushed.

HERMIONE: It's a pony that doesn't have the ability to hold a grudge. Get over it.

MALFOY: Don't worry, AppleJack. You're MY favorite pony.

APPLEJACK: Why thank you, sugarcube. Really 'preciate that.

RON: *coming back* Your apples were boring. I thought they might look better with some polka dots!

APPLEJACK: All y'all, get off my farm.

*CENTER OF TOWN*

MALFOY: Damn it, Ron! You suck dick!

RON: Is that an invitation?

DUMBLEDORE: RON?

RON: Just getting some guys for our six-way.

DUMBLEDORE: 11-way.

RON: DUMBLY!

DUMBLEDORE: *exasperated sigh* Fine. six-way.

HARRY: You guys are total assholes! Let's go find a pony that tolerates our company!

HERMIONE: Well, we've pissed off half of the mane six, Pinkie Pie can't stay in one place for more than two seconds, Rainbow Dash lives in the clouds, so that leaves Rarity.

HARRY: *Exasperated sigh* Well, the bronies can't tolerate her, and the ponies can't tolerate us, so maybe this'll work.

RON: I hate Rarity.

HERMIONE: You… haven't even watched the show yet.

RON: Well, she just sounds like a stuck-up bitch.

MALFOY: Well, that's what she is.

HERMIONE: You're one to talk.

MALFOY: I don't know what you're talking about, Mudblood.

HERMIONE: That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about! Bronies are supposed to be loving and tolerant!

MALFOY: Well… You're not a real time.

HERMIONE: That… doesn't… *sigh* whatever.

HARRY: *downhearted* Come on, men and Ron, let's go.

HERMIONE: I'm a girl!

RON: And I'm the other thing! Just ask Dumbly.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, you're the girl in our relationship, but other than that…

RON: DUMBLY!

DUMBLEDORE: Well, you shouldn't have asked me then! Sorry for answering your question.

RON: My question was whether I had a penis or not…

DUMBLEDORE: Yes.

NEVILLE: PROVE IT!

HARRY: Neville, GOD! No, don't prove it, we believe you. Off to Rarity's.

*AT RARITY'S HOUSE*

HERMIONE: How the hell do ponies build houses, if all they have are hooves?

HARRY: Well, I saw AppleBloom in the one episode kinda curling her hoof around the saw…

HERMIONE: But that's impossible!

HARRY: We do magic! Stop trying to insert logic into these scripts! Especially this one. There's no logic wherever Pinkie Pie lives.

*door opens*

RARITY: Is there somepony out there?

HARRY: Oh, no, we were just having some chitchat on your porch. We don't need to come in or anything.

RARITY: Well, aren't you a charming… whatever you are.

RON: We're footless puppets!

RARITY: *pause* Right. Well, come inside, I guess.

HARRY: Anyway, this soulless puppet got us kicked off of Sweet Apple Acres, so do you have any food?

RON: Can't we just eat Neville?

RARITY: *gasp* I will not have cannibalism in my house! Besides, I don't even know what that is.

HARRY: He's some kind of weird potato-squash vegetable thing.

NEVILLE: I like to think of myself as a Neville fruit.

RARITY: Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it tastes awful.

HARRY: Actually, it's quite good.

RARITY: You mean to say you've actually… You know, nevermind. I'll just get you some Nutella-Flower sandwiches.

HARRY: Nutella?

RARITY: Canadian hazelnut-chocolate spread.

HARRY: Still, FLOWERS? I need meat!

RARITY: We never eat other animals in Ponyville. Fluttershy would go off on us. Besides, have you ever heard a pony ask for a cheeseburger, whatever that is?

HARRY: If it's what Fluttershy eats, maybe eating it will make me more like her.

RARITY: Then let me go fix you guys the sandwiches. Weirdos.

HERMIONE: You're not too good at making friends, are you Harry?

HARRY: Shut up!

*group goes inside Rarity's house*

SNAPE: *sigh* This is so organized… The exact opposite of what Pinkie Pie would have.

HARRY; Shut up about Pinkie Pie! You're nothing like Pinkie Pie. You don't have teleportation powers,

SNAPE: Actually, that's what apparation is…

HARRY: *ignoring Snape* You don't hop everywhere, you don't throw parties, and the only time you're fun is when you're on funny candy!

SNAPE: Fifty eleven thousand points from Gryffindor!

HERMIONE: Why doesn't anyone use real numbers?

HARRY: Because real numbers are lame.

RON: And confusing. Except derf. I like derf.

RARITY: I'm guessing this one's favorite pony is Derpy?

RON: Nope. Twilight.

RARITY: How? You're absolutely nothing like Twillight.

HARRY: Why must everyone try to insert logic into these scripts?

RON: Those nutella-flower sandwiches were tasty! And so are these outfits. But you were so nice giving us those sandwiches, I have to wonder why no one likes you.

RARITY: What? Are you rubbing Nutella on my beautiful designs?

RON: Well, I like your designs, and I like Nutella, so I thought that putting both of them together would make me really happy! And you never really answered my question. Why does no one like you?

RARITY: I'm sure there're people who like me… I'm fabulous!

HARRY: Actually, the majority of the MLP fanbase finds you stuck-up and annoying.

RARITY: And they don't find Pinkie Pie annoying?

SNAPE: HEY! Blasphemy!

HARRY: Yeah, Pinkie Pie's the happy kind of annoying. You're just a bitch.

RARITY: GET! OUT! OF! MY! HOUSE!

HARRY: And THAT'S what we're talking about.

RARITY: OUT!

*out in streets of PONYVILLE*

HARRY: Look what you did this time Neville!

NEVILLE: What did I do?

HARRY: You're pissing off everyone's favorite ponies!

NEVILLE: But nobody likes Rarity. Besides, it was Wonald who did it this time…

HARRY: You probably took some naked pictures of her or something.

NEVILLE: But ponies are always naked…

DUMBLEDORE: Wait, ponies are ALWAYS naked? Well, time to blend in. NAKED TIME! *dances naked* I'm gonna send Princess Celestia 300 copies of my bum and this horrible chain letter about Edward, the sparkly pony foot.*runs off*

HERMIONE: Well, that was random. Even for us.

HARRY: Come on. Since every other pony's pissed off, let's go torment Rainbow Dash.

GINNY: But –

HARRY: NO TIME! *points wand at self* Wingardium leviosa! *raises to cloud level*

RAINBOW DASH: Oh, hi, weird puppet thing. How can you fly when you don't have wings.

HARRY: How can YOU fly when you've – you've—YOU HAVE A TURTLE, YOU HAVE A TURLTLE, YOU HAVE A TURTLE, THAT'S NOT COOL!

FLUTTERSHY: *randomly flying in* Actually, it's a tortoise.

HARRY: FLUTTERSHY! Let me love you!

FLUTTERSHY: *squeals and flees the scene*

RAINBOW DASH: Hey, you better watch it, or I'm gonna do an atomic rainbomb onto Hogwarts, like I did AppleJack's old barn. And my turtle is 20% cooler than any puppet. It has a Pinkie Pie flying machine!

HARRY: Nobody's cooler than me! I'm Harry Fucking Potter.

RAINBOW DASH: Get out of my sky.

HARRY: My work here is done. Finite Incantatum. *returns to ground*

GINNY: Well, you're never getting laid. You just pissed off my favorite pony.

HARRY: Oh, crap. How was I supposed to know that she was your favorite pony?

GINNY: Weren't you listening over the hidden microphone?

HARRY: I was too aroused to pay attention.

GINNY: But you weren't even looking at me!

HARRY: Hearing your voice is enough for me. I love you, Ginny!

*Ginny sprays him with pepper spray*

HARRY: AHH HH! Why would you do that?

RON: So that isn't breath spray? That's why I started coughing…

HARRY: Ron, you're so stupid!

*PINKIE PIE pops out of the ground now*

PINKIE PIE: Hey guys! Why don't you guys follow me for a lot of fun!

NEVILLE: *sexual shudder, and unzips his pants*

PINKIE PIE: Not that kinda fun! But it's something even MORE fun! Why don't you guys follow me back to Twilight's house? *begins bouncing to Twilight's*

HARRY: *to Snape* Again, HOW do you relate?

SNAPE: 50 points from Gryffindor.

HARRY: But –

SNAPE: 50!

HERMIONE: At least it's a real number this time…

RON: We must be in the negatives by now, for all the times we have points taken away for no good reason.

HARRY: Yeah, but most of them aren't real numbers, so I don't know how many points we've actually lost…

HERMIONE: Besides, look how many points we won while Snape took his funny candy!

DUMBLEDORE: *randomly pops up* Whether it's a real number or not doesn't matter at Hogwarts! It's the intention of the person that says it.

SNAPE: So actually, you are still in negative numbers. Even if you managed to cure both cancer and AIDS, you'd still need 200 to get to zero.

PINKIE PIE: You know, follow me usually means "follow me".

*AT TWILIGHT'S HOUSE*

PINKIE PIE: SURPRISE! FOOTLESS HUMAN PARTY!

APPLEJACK: Why are we throwing a party for them? They're terrorizing all of Ponyville!

PINKIE PIE: Maybe a party's all they need! Maybe we just need to show them love and kindness!

RAINBOW DASH: Fine, but the one with the cutie mark on his head needs to apologize to Tank.

HARRY: I'm sorry for what I said about your turtle.

FLUTTERSHY: Tortoise.

HARRY: Whatever. He's still very cool.

RON: AJ, I'm sorry I painted your apples, and got Nutella on your dresses.

NEVILLE: And I'm sorry I asked Fluttershy if she makes porn with her animals, and I'm sorry I tried to molest Zecora.

APPLEJACK: What is wrong with you, sugarcube?

NEVILLE: So many things.

APPLEBLOOM: Hey AppleJack! Wanna come over and bob for some apples?

SCOOTALOO: We set the whole thing up ourselves.

SWEETIE BELLE: I brought the apples over from Sweet Apple Acres!

*VOLDEMORT and CEDRIC enter*

VOLDEMORT: OH MY GOD! You guys are so cute! I was going to destroy this incredibly sweet world, but now I'm paralyzed by cuteness!

APPLEBLOOM: Should I be afraid of him?

RON: Well, you can make him go away by saying that the plot doesn't demand him.

HARRY: Yeah, he tries to kill everybody, but we're not worried about him.

APPLEJACK: Well, get away from my sister because the plot doesn't demand you.

VOLDEMORT: I would NEVER kill AppleBloom. You, on the other hand…

APPLEJACK: I said that the plot doesn't demand you.

RON: Voldy no killing. Voldy no killing. VOLDY NO KILLING!

VOLDEMORT: Oh, man. *leaves*

HERMIONE: *to Cutie Mark Crusaders* OK, Voldemort may like you, but I DON'T! I will NOT sit through another insufferable season where you guys don't know your blatantly obvious special talents! Sweetie Belle., your singing is your talent. Scootaloo, you have tricks on your scooter, and AppleBloom, you redesigned the club house even though you don't have hands or a horn. Your talent is construction and design. There. I just saved all the Bronies from another episode where you are idiots!

SWEETIE BELLE: I wish we would have figured that out a season and a half ago…

SCOOTALOO: Thanks, mister!

HERMIONE: I'm a girl!

DUMBLEDORE: OOH! The majestic Princess Molestia, I mean Celestia.

TWILIGHT: Molestia's her uncle. We don't like to talk about him…

CELESTIA: *comes over* Twilight Sparkle! What is the meaning of this?

TWILIGHT: What do you mean, Princess?

*HAGRID comes over*

HAGRID: Hey, have any o' ya seen Spike? I wanna tame 'im.

DUMBLEDORE: I already tamed him. How else do you think I would have gotten those letters to Celestia?

SPIKE: *curled up in fetal position* So… many… old man… butts.

TWILIGHT: YOU sent those letters? I thought you were done pissing off everypony.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, I'm not part of the apology group. I just thought the chain letter was funny.

CELESTIA: You mean THIS chain letter?

*shows letter*

VERY VERY IMPORTANT! DO NOT DISCARD!

ONCE THERE WAS A PONY NAMED EDWARD. HE WAS ONLY THE DRAWING OF A PONY, MADE ON A GLITTERING FOOT. THEN ONE DAY, SOMEPONY DECIDED TO MAKE A FOOT SMOOTHIE, AND PUT EDWARD THE SPARKLY PONY FOOT INTO A BLENDER. NOW EVERY FIVE YEARS, EDWARD THE SPARKLY PONY APPEARS AS A GHOST TO WARN EVERYPONY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF IMPROPER BLENDER USE. HE WILL APPEAR TONIGHT, UNLESS YOU SEND THIS TO FIVE OTHER PONIES!111111!1111111111111111111!1!111111111111!11111!11!11 MOST OF YOU WON'T SEND THIS, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN SPARKLY PONY LEGENDS, BUT I KNOW THAT MY TRUE FRIENDS WILL PASS THIS ONTO FIVE OTHER PONIES UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE MADE INTO PONY SMOOTHIES!11!11111!1111111!1111111111!1!11

DUMBLEDORE: You also have to cover your castle in old man ass in order to ward off *adopts spooky tone* EDWARD THE SPARKLY PONY FOOT!

CEDRIC: EDWARD THE SPARKLY PONY FOOT IS REAL!

RON: How in the flarg did you get here?

CEDRIC: I just hopped here. Hogwarts is right over –

HARRY: NO TIME!

PINKIE PIE: He's right, you know! It's time to PARTY!

SNAPE: Would any of you like funny candy? It's not a party without funny candy!

PINKIE PIE: Sure! But what IS funny candy?

SNAPE: Well, it's a mixture of shrooms, -

HARRY: NO TIME! Besides, Pinkie Pie's the last one of the ponies that needs funny candy.

GINNY: So is this party really for us?

HARRY: Of course it's for us. Although i don't know why. I'm the only one cool enough to have a party thrown in Ponyville.

PINKIE PIE: It's also Fluttershy's BIRTHDAY!

DUMBLEDORE: It's her birthday?

HERMIONE: Oh, please don't- AND he disapparated.

*FLUTTERSHY is about to eat cake, but DUMBLEDORE pops out naked*

DUMBLEDORE: OOOOH! Happy Hogwarts Birthday!

HERMIONE: Not this again, please not this again.

DUMBLEDORE: Magic wizard birthday.  
Fun! Wizard happy birthday!  
Fun, fun, fun, fun.  
Magic flavor birthday cake.  
Wizard wishes you will make.  
Happy birthday! Dance with everyone  
TWO, THREE, FOUR!  
Birthday magic wand.

RON: Party happy birthday

DUMBLEDORE: Wizard party school!

RON: Magic, magic, wizard, magic party

DUMBLEDORE: Gryffindor!

RON: Party more!

DUMBLEDORE: Hufflepuff!

RON: Wizard stuff!

DUMBLEDORE: Ravenclaw!

RON: HELL NAW

DUMBLEDORE: Pretty sure that's everybody!

MALFOY: HEY!

DUMBLEDORE: Happy Hogwarts birthday.  
Wizard school party  
Ponies eating cake inside their mouths!  
Hogwarts lesson number 1  
Never not be having fun!  
PONIES EATING CAKE INSIDE THEIR MOOOOUUUUUUUTHS!

FLUTTERSHY: Ummm...My cake is tainted.

NEVILLE: At least nobody's eating your squash-flavored flesh.

*Angel nibbles on Neville*

NEVILLE: Not again

FLUTTERSHY: No, Angel bunny. You don't know where that's been.

SNAPE: You don't want to know where that's been…

NEVILLE: Oh, I've been in a dead male sex orgy, surrounded by used granny panties, up someone's –

PINKIE PIE: *GASP* I didn't know you could bake people in cake! Can you bake ponies in cake? Do you put the ponies in before or after you bake it? I'm gonna try and put the ponies in before and see what happens!

SNAPE: Don't ever imitate the delusional headmaster. You'll only feed the cloppers.

HAGRID: Why're ya tellin 'er no? We cloppers need to be fed once in a while… Besides, I haven' gotten to tame me dragon yet.

SPIKE: I need an adult!

NEVILLE: Ooh! Ponies coming out of birthday cakes. I gotta go honk my Neville horn.

SPIKE: Something tells me I STILL need an adult!

TWILIGHT: GUYS! Stop squicking out everypony.

HARRY: *with exaggerated arm motions* Alright, we'll stop pissing off everypony. *accidentally knocks over a muffin*

DERPY: Awww, my muffin.

HERMIONE: DERPY! Bake slave, make her another muffin.

PINKIE PIE: I don't know who Bake Slave pony is, but I could make her another muffin!

HERMIONE: Now I don't WANNA leave Ponyvile. I can have long, intelligent conversations with my favorite character!

HARRY: You haven't seen much of the show, have you?

HERMIONE: Only like three episodes, why?

DERPY: What're intellija- intelli –whatever you said?

HERMIONE: OK, let's go.

TWILIGHT: Do you puppets still need directions to Hogwarts?

HERMIONE; Hold on. Harry, I have a nice shiny roll of duct tape for you!

HARRY: *runs toward HERMIONE* DUCT TAPE! YAY!

*HERMIONE puts duct tape on HARRY's mouth*

HERMIONE: Now what were you saying?

TWILIGHT: Ummm, why did you put tape over his mouth?

HERMIONE: Everytime someone says they have directions to Hogwarts –

HARRY: *unintelligible yell from under duct tape*

HERMIONE: - he shouts 'NO TIME!'

TWILIGHT: Well, Howarts is 10 miles that way. *points to the left*

HERMIONE: Wow. How did I miss that?

SNAPE: Your favorite pony is Derpy. You must identify with her on some level.

HERMIONE: That was before I met her! She's still adorable though.

HARRY: *tearing off duct tape* Before we go, I'd like to sing a little song.

RON: My little pony, my little pony. Ah-ah-ah-ah.  
NEVILLE: My little pony!  
RON: I used to wonder what friendship could be.  
NEVILLE: My little pony!  
RON: Until you all shared its magic with me!  
GINNY: Big adventures!  
SNAPE: Tons of fun!

RARITY: *anxiously awaits for fan to sing her line* NO ONE LIKES ME?

MALFOY: Faithful and strong.

HARRY: Sharing kindness.

HERMIONE: It's an easy feat.

DUMBLEDORE: And magic makes it ALL complete!

RON: My little pony. Don't you know you're all my very best friends.

HARRY: I only pretend to be your friend to get in your sister's pants.

RON: That's sweet of you, Harry.

PINKIE PIE: You need to learn a message about friendship. Maybe you should stay in Ponyville a little bit longer!

EVERY OTHER PONY: NO!

APPLEJACK: Yeah, they REALLY need to get back to Hogwarts.

RON: What's Hogwarts?

HARRY: RON'S LOSING HIS MEMORY OF SCHOOL!

SNAPE: Maybe now we can kick the retarded soulless homosexual out…

DUMBLEDORE: NO! He's MY BOYFRIEND! WE'RE GOING BACK TO HOGWARTS! Bye, everypony! Don't forget to decorate your houses with pictures of my bum.

HARRY: Fluttershy! I'll come back and visit you!

FLUTTERSHY: *squeals and hides* I need a restraining order.

TWILIGHT: Please, take your time with that.

*CREDITS*

*AFTER CREDIT SCENE*

TWILIGHT: Dear Princess Celestia, PUPPETS ARE FREAKS! Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

*AFTER AFTER CREDITS SCENE*

SEAMUS: I'M FREE!

HARRY: How did you get out of your metal shackles?

SEAMUS: TOPH!

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
